AZ

I will be seeing these sights very soon…

 

perfunctory year in review

Well, I guess that’s not true. I just want to briefly review what happened this year.

SCHOOL: I survived all my nursing courses and made good grades. I found a nursing mentor, Kathy, who was my clinical instructor. She is recommending me to the dean, so I will be first on the list for a scholarship to a new program in specialization in geriatrics. After she saw the work I did with the residents at tacoma lutheran, she really wanted to help me. I love school but the drive is killing me. Next semester will be better though, because I only have to be on campus 3 days a week versus the 5 days last semester.

HOME: Matt finished the roof, painted the whole living room, landscaped the backyard beautifully, and made other repairs to our 1940s home. We’ve lived here 5 years now, and I love my house more than ever!

PETS: We lost 3 pets last year due to old age: William, our rex rabbit, who I had to put to sleep because of a severe bacterial infection in his face. After getting an operation to remove the offending bacteria and infected tissue, the infection came back even stronger, and I just couldn’t stand to see him suffer.Then, we lost Diggens, who was Matt’s cat for almost 14 years. She was diabetic in the end and died while I was home doing homework. That cat hated me with a passion, but I took care of her in her last days like devoted mother. 1 month later, Matt’s 15 year old cat, Junior, also died. Unfortunately, nobody was home when he passed away, and I found him on the easy chair, dead, when I returned from grocery shopping. All 3 are buried in the backyard, and William has a plant on his grave. In the middle of the year, we adopted 2 miniature pinschers, which are glorified rat terriers. We drove all the way to Spokane, WA. to adopt them.We also acquired a new cat to keep our other cat, Henry, company. His name is Mr. Taco, and he’s a badass. We now have 2 bunnies that live outside in a hutch that Matt built. I guess you could say that we have a little farm around here. In 2009, I want to get some chickens so we can have fresh eggs.

FAMILY: My biological family drama was something I could have done without. My dad and I are still not speaking, and my mother is trying to re-establish a relationship with me through letters. I did call my mom this year and had a pleasant conversation with her, so that’s good. Matt and I’s relationship continues to flourish, and we have now been together for 12 (!) years. Theo turns 15 and we have a very close relationship despite him being a typical teenager that wants to spend every waking moment lamenting how life is unfair. He’s a great guy and I feel privileged to be his mom.

TRAVEL: I did a lot of that this year. In June, I traveled to Thailand with a couple friends and stayed two weeks. We traveled between cities via plane and train, toured a Thai nursing school and leprosy treatment center, and experienced things that I’ve only read about. Thailand is a wonderful place and I cannot wait to go back there someday. In late summer, Matt and I traveled to Denmark to visit friends and made a side trip for a week to Amsterdam. We had a fabulous time. My only complaint is that Holland and Denmark were hard on my wallet, and the rich food was a bit much for me. On the home front, we didn’t get to go camping ONCE, which was disappointing and odd. I think I just had too much homework and the weather didn’t quite cooperate. In 2009, I hope that Matt and I can go camping together, as well as make a couple trips to the woods alone. I bought a one person tent that I haven’t gotten to use yet, and I know that Matt is itching to get out to woods alone sooner than later.

HEALTH: Only a couple of complaints there. I was severely anemic for more than half the year and almost needed a blood transfusion. The body is generally slow to absorb iron, so it’s been a long, long wait to feel better despite taking supplements every day. I got a referral for minor surgery on my uterus to have endometrial ablation done sometime early in 2009, which should solve the anemia and blood loss problems. My lower back is better; I started stabilization exercises in 2008 and I only had one episode of being incapacitated, which lasted a week. I don’t see the spondylolithesis getting better; however, I don’t think I’ll need surgery as long as it stays at a Stage 2. I had some  MAJOR dental work done this year, too: I had 3 root canals and 2 crowns put in, which ended years of suffering. It took us years to save up for this very expensive work, which cost us about $3,000. I wish I had nice strong teeth like others do.

Well, I guess that about covers it. I hope that 2009 was as great as 2008 was!

 

sad

Found on a bulletin board in an upscale Starbucks in West Hollywood.

 

my brother

So, I didn’t see my brother on this trip to California. He decided to pull a guilt trip on me when I told him ahead of time that although I could make dinner on a certain night, I would be leaving after a couple hours to go see some friends…in particular a friend that I hadn’t seen in almost 16 years. After seeing friends, I was going to go back to my brother’s place, spend the night, and spend the entire next day with him. Well, he didn’t take kindly to me dividing up my time in this manner and proceeded to bitch me out over the phone: ‘Oh, well, THAT’S great, Kris. You’re in town for a week and I get to see you for 2 hours. Just perfect. I can’t believe this! Real good…etc etc.” I didn’t tell him this-because I knew he would freak, but he sounded EXACTLY like my father when he goes on one of his classic tirade/guilt trips. After the bitch out, he said “well, see you at dinner later.” To that, I said no, you won’t and proceeded to end the phone call. I ended up staying the night with those friends and had a lovely evening.

Needless to say, I am extremely sensitive to my family and their attitudes about what I do or don’t do. My brother and I have discussed many times how we hate the guilt trips our parents lay on us; yet, he does it himself. He hasn’t learned what not to do, obviously.I have set bounderies for myself in the past couple years about the shit I’m not willing to take from my family. As I wrote in the letter to my dad recently, my non-biological extended family never talks that way to me or each other and I refuse to listen to it or be around it if my biological family does it. period. For my own mental health, I need to stay away from that toxic behavior. Even if my own brother does it.

Another thing that really gets to me is this: my biological parents and brother are always complaining how they never see me. Well, I gotta say that I have been the one to travel to CA. more times than I can count on both hands. My dad has come to Seattle once in 16 years. My brother has come to Seattle twice in 16 years. The minute I show up in OC, all of a sudden I’m supposed to devote all my time to them? No, I don’t think so. They don’t pay for my plane tickets- I do. They don’t pay for my lodging- I do. They don’t pay for my car rental- I do. I have dear, dear friends that I love to see when I’m down in OC, and I see them on every trip down. These friends mean the absolute world to me, and have been like family more so than my own biological family. It just seems to me that my parents and brother have NO right to monopolize my time when I’m there for a week when they couldn’t give a damn the rest of the year and beyond. And you know what? I really don’t care if they don’t want to see me. Toxic, remember? It just irritates me that my brother and my dad get all bent if I change my plans or call them out on their bullshit. I’m not going to spend the second half of my life dealing with family drama bullshit when I finally have a healthy family here in Seattle that I love and adore. I just won’t do it.

So, not seeing my brother on this trip was an “oh well” moment. I’m not sorry that I made that decision. I’m just sorry that my brother, father,a nd mother continue to act in the manner that they do.

 

Orange County, Los Angeles!

It’s time I updated this thing about my trip to California. I have been back in jet city for about a week, recovering from an extremely *stupid* thing I did: I let a very important medication run out when I was in CA., was unable to get it filled because they don’t have that particular drug store there, and wasn’t able to take it for almost 6 days. Not good. Since it is an SSRI medication, my body started to go into withdrawl. The withdrawl turned into a hell for me pretty quick, complete with extreme fatigue (matt could hardly rouse me, and one day I slept for almost 22 hours), disorientation, problems walking, and other assorted stupidity. All is well now; I have been back on the meds for 4 whole days and Iam back to my *normal* (haha) self.

So, my trip to California. It was lovely. I spent 2 days in Orange County and 4 days in Hollywood. The OC is always annoying, mostly due to having to see plastic people that dress like prostitutes. No, I’m not exaggerating. I should have gotten some photos of what I am talking about but was too lazy. Los Angeles is always fun. Love the old buildings, the dirt, the streets, the neon, the lore,everything. My hotel was right on Sunset strip, and my room had a great view on said street. I liked sitting there at night, watching the activity out the screen less window and listening to the sirens go by for what seemed like every 15 minutes. I went out to dinner with my friend Steve and his girl Esther (lovely, by the way. We had Thai food and margaritas made with Sake.); Had dinner with Monica, her fiancee, and her extended family (had Afghan food-yum!); saw my friend Amy, who I hadn’t seen since grade school (ummm…I am old. That was in 1982) and had a wonderful time catching up; back in OC I spent some time with ex Christopher, his wife, and their kids. That was also lovely-I held a baby for the first time since Theo was a baby. I think Matt was worried that I was having baby urges. I reassured him that I enjoy other peoples babies and just to leave it at that. Especially if they are as cute as Hannah was.

It was still snowing in Seattle when I got on the plane in OC but managed to get home just fine. I also got to enjoy the snow here for a couple more days after my return, much to the chagrin of the rest of the city. Seattle has had enough of the snow, apparently. I am glad that it isn’t 20 degrees here anymore, though.

So. How about some photos of the trip?

That is the famous Bradbury building, on Broadway in downtown LA. I say famous because the movie Bladerunner was filned here.The interior is amazing…and eerily quiet.

 Decrepit green building I fell in love with, located in the historic Theatre district of LA.Dinner with Monica.Me and Amy at Mel’s .Me and the extremely cute Joan. (love that name)

 

my year in pictures…2008

 

Copenhagen cemetery photo shoot

 

Hollywood cemetery photo shoot

 

vag stencils?

http://www.bettybeauty.com/charmcils.php

I have no words.

 

i lied.

I sat and thought about my dad’s last letter and had to reply, even though I told myself I wouldn’t. I felt some things needed addressing, because he still didn’t get it.

His letter is in bold print. My responses are in italics.

Quite simply, you have created a situation where none existed. You have morphed a situation that you started one year ago into a “Dr. Phil Session”. By bringing your childhood into the discussion, especially going back to your 5 year old days, you have muddied the waters of last year’s situation to a degree that defies comprehension!!! What your childhood has to do with your lack of common courtesy a year ago is beyond my imagination!!!!

Characterizing my feelings as a “Dr Phil Session” is very insulting to me. That sentence right there is a reminder of how you have treated me and my brother over the years. I brought my childhood into the discussion because it is relevant to how I get along with you now. The way you interacted with me when I was a child , which was interspersed with insults such as “if you had a brain you’d be dangerous” (which my brother and I still chant to each other sarcastically when discussing things like that) , has morphed into a less threatening dialogue now. I forgive you for laying your hands on me back then when I did something wrong; after all, you didn’t know any better, right? I can also forgive you for not being the best role model by insulting me most of the time when I was a kid and making my brother and I feel like the world’s biggest fuck ups most of the time. Believe it or not, I don’t sit here on a daily basis and cry about my childhood. I have moved on, formed healthy relationships with extended family and friends, and have raised my own son without the physical violence and demeaning comments that I had to put up with growing up.
What my childhood has to do with my lack of common courtesy is this: after leaving home many, many years ago, I finally found out what it means to have a normal family. My biological parents like to blame, point fingers, punish, and pile on the guilt trips. What a surprise to learn that other families aren’t like that. My extended family is encouraging, with a no strings attached love that is gentle, forgiving and kind. They raise you up without putting you down. Anyway- after having a taste of this other side of relationships, I decided that if my parents were to revisit that tone with me during my adult life, I wouldn’t stand for it, having put up with enough of that as a kid. Living under your roof, I felt powerless, unloved for the most part, not listened to, and afraid of you. I think I was afraid of you because of the physical violence that you inflicted upon my brother and I at various times. I can still hear my brother’s screams through his bedroom wall. I can still feel what that belt felt like. No child should be hit, period. It really does leave emotional scars that take years to work through. As an adult, I have a low tolerance for you or mom speaking to me that is even slightly reminiscent of those days. Oh, I did forget to mention the things you did do for me whilst raising us: providing food, shelter, clothing, etc. That is appreciated. All the other stuff in between? Not so much.

OK, now let’s discuss the tone of my voice. That msg showed concern and probably annoyance, but “drips with contempt”?? Do you even know what the word means??? Let me remind you: contempt – an attitude to something which one despises as worthless, insignificant, or vile. Not exactly a tone I would describe between a father and his daughter!! And to imply that it was “reminiscent” of your childhood is beyond belief!! In fact, it’s a clear attempt to revise history!!! Nice try, but your memory of that history is clearly distorted and totally inaccurate!! “Drips with contempt”?? BS!!!! You’re beyond what you call “sensitive” to conjure up that kind of a description for the tone of my voice. Once again, it clearly didn’t happen the way you are characterizing my msg. By conjuring up that description, you have attempted to provide yourself with a valid excuse not to show up… Not only that, but now I’m the “bad guy” in this discussion!!! You’ve now changed the focus of the discussion from your lack of common courtesy to my tone of voice!!! Wrong!!! All I was doing was providing you and Matt a “crash pad”!!! You’re now coming off as the “injured party”!!!
Yes, I know what contempt means. As a reminder, I have almost 6 years of college under my belt. By asking me if I “even know what that means” is insulting. Contempt can also mean having open disrespect; disparaging or haughty disdain or scorn. (Source: American Heritage Dictionary). So, yes, I felt that your voice dripped with disdain, which is what set me off. As far as revising history goes, I don’t do that. I don’t make up stories, except if planning to sell them to a publisher as fiction. I think that YOU don’t want to revisit that period of time because you know deep down that you weren’t exactly father of the year. Yes, you have come a long way since then, and I give you credit and kudos for that. Still, over the years, you’ve let slip the little disparaging comments and judgments of yesterday, making sure that I know that you are always right and I am wrong. I am not conjuring up anything. I am merely telling you my feelings about why I chose not to show up. You are refusing to accept this reason as VALID because you don’t agree with it. I’m not out to make you the bad guy, either. To me, it a simple matter of cause and effect. As a man of science, you should know how that works. Cause: your annoyed tone. Effect: me choosing to remove myself from a situation that I deem unhealthy. And yes, I should have called. We can agree on that. By not showing up after that phone call, I guess I was fighting what I felt to be the constant theme of negativity that seems to happen in otherwise benign situations. You may not agree with my reasoning, but it is what it is. I don’t play games and shift blame or point fingers. I am merely stating my feelings that you seem to be very uncomfortable with. I have tried as an adult to have a good relationship with you, and for the most part it’s been successful. The “dad who?” comment you made in the previous letter needs to be addressed as well. You will recall that over the years, I have made every effort to stay in regular contact with letters, phone calls, and emails. I have flown to California almost every year for the last ten years to see you. You, on the other hand, have been out here to visit me TWICE since you and mom have been divorced. I have lived in Seattle since 1998 and I have yet to get ONE visit from you. I get no letters from you, no calls, no birthday cards, and no holiday cards. I asked you to come to my first college graduation and it wasn’t good enough- you had to wait for a graduation from a 4 year college to make it worth your while. If my son asked me to come to ANY graduation I would be there in a second, no matter how old he is. I am one of the first women in the Ishmael family to get a college degree and I am very proud of that. My own dad wouldn’t come see me walk down those steps. Also, you NEVER call or write to Theo, who is an extremely huge, important part of my life. So please, spare me the “dad who?” stuff. As I said before, you get what you give.
, and at this point, I don’t really care, but the bottom-line is that you owed us a 10 second msg letting us know that those plaObviously, there’s no way to reconcile our two versions of last Dec. Having said that, I totally disagree with your characterization of the events!!! Period!!! I haven’t a clue what led to your change in travel plansns had changed.

Again, you’re beyond what you call “sensitive” to conjure up that kind of a description for the tone of my voice. And by bringing your childhood repeatedly into this conversation, there appears to be a much deeper meaning to those change in plans. Having said that, I have no intention of revisiting your childhood…..it was what it was… You’re soon to be 40 years old and it’s time for you to move on…
I know that you don’t agree, and I guess that’s just going to be that. You have this need to be right, and I have a need to live honestly. Saying that “you don’t really care” why I changed my travel plans reinforces my feelings about how insensitive you are to the feelings of your grown children. I do love you. But I don’t need to be punished anymore, or talked to like I’m a loser. These feelings run deep, and maybe you and I need to sit down and talk about them. Things can be healed; though it will take you letting your guard down to really discuss the issues at hand and not focusing on who is right and wrong. All I can say at this point is: I have been honest in my feelings, I don’t deserve to be talked to like I’m a stupid idiot, and any respect that you feel I am not giving you can be felt on my end just as much. I am banned from your home; thus, that is a huge statement from the both of you that I will have to respect. That said, do not expect us to keep in touch, because that hanging over my head just drives the knife in little bit deeper, and I don’t need that in my life. The ball is in your court, so to speak. If you want to talk alone when I come out for my trip, you can call me and I’ll answer. If not, well, I guess we’ll just go our separate ways at this point.