I sat and thought about my dad’s last letter and had to reply, even though I told myself I wouldn’t. I felt some things needed addressing, because he still didn’t get it.
His letter is in bold print. My responses are in italics.
Quite simply, you have created a situation where none existed. You have morphed a situation that you started one year ago into a “Dr. Phil Session”. By bringing your childhood into the discussion, especially going back to your 5 year old days, you have muddied the waters of last year’s situation to a degree that defies comprehension!!! What your childhood has to do with your lack of common courtesy a year ago is beyond my imagination!!!!
Characterizing my feelings as a “Dr Phil Session” is very insulting to me. That sentence right there is a reminder of how you have treated me and my brother over the years. I brought my childhood into the discussion because it is relevant to how I get along with you now. The way you interacted with me when I was a child , which was interspersed with insults such as “if you had a brain you’d be dangerous” (which my brother and I still chant to each other sarcastically when discussing things like that) , has morphed into a less threatening dialogue now. I forgive you for laying your hands on me back then when I did something wrong; after all, you didn’t know any better, right? I can also forgive you for not being the best role model by insulting me most of the time when I was a kid and making my brother and I feel like the world’s biggest fuck ups most of the time. Believe it or not, I don’t sit here on a daily basis and cry about my childhood. I have moved on, formed healthy relationships with extended family and friends, and have raised my own son without the physical violence and demeaning comments that I had to put up with growing up.
What my childhood has to do with my lack of common courtesy is this: after leaving home many, many years ago, I finally found out what it means to have a normal family. My biological parents like to blame, point fingers, punish, and pile on the guilt trips. What a surprise to learn that other families aren’t like that. My extended family is encouraging, with a no strings attached love that is gentle, forgiving and kind. They raise you up without putting you down. Anyway- after having a taste of this other side of relationships, I decided that if my parents were to revisit that tone with me during my adult life, I wouldn’t stand for it, having put up with enough of that as a kid. Living under your roof, I felt powerless, unloved for the most part, not listened to, and afraid of you. I think I was afraid of you because of the physical violence that you inflicted upon my brother and I at various times. I can still hear my brother’s screams through his bedroom wall. I can still feel what that belt felt like. No child should be hit, period. It really does leave emotional scars that take years to work through. As an adult, I have a low tolerance for you or mom speaking to me that is even slightly reminiscent of those days. Oh, I did forget to mention the things you did do for me whilst raising us: providing food, shelter, clothing, etc. That is appreciated. All the other stuff in between? Not so much.
OK, now let’s discuss the tone of my voice. That msg showed concern and probably annoyance, but “drips with contempt”?? Do you even know what the word means??? Let me remind you: contempt – an attitude to something which one despises as worthless, insignificant, or vile. Not exactly a tone I would describe between a father and his daughter!! And to imply that it was “reminiscent” of your childhood is beyond belief!! In fact, it’s a clear attempt to revise history!!! Nice try, but your memory of that history is clearly distorted and totally inaccurate!! “Drips with contempt”?? BS!!!! You’re beyond what you call “sensitive” to conjure up that kind of a description for the tone of my voice. Once again, it clearly didn’t happen the way you are characterizing my msg. By conjuring up that description, you have attempted to provide yourself with a valid excuse not to show up… Not only that, but now I’m the “bad guy” in this discussion!!! You’ve now changed the focus of the discussion from your lack of common courtesy to my tone of voice!!! Wrong!!! All I was doing was providing you and Matt a “crash pad”!!! You’re now coming off as the “injured party”!!!
Yes, I know what contempt means. As a reminder, I have almost 6 years of college under my belt. By asking me if I “even know what that means” is insulting. Contempt can also mean having open disrespect; disparaging or haughty disdain or scorn. (Source: American Heritage Dictionary). So, yes, I felt that your voice dripped with disdain, which is what set me off. As far as revising history goes, I don’t do that. I don’t make up stories, except if planning to sell them to a publisher as fiction. I think that YOU don’t want to revisit that period of time because you know deep down that you weren’t exactly father of the year. Yes, you have come a long way since then, and I give you credit and kudos for that. Still, over the years, you’ve let slip the little disparaging comments and judgments of yesterday, making sure that I know that you are always right and I am wrong. I am not conjuring up anything. I am merely telling you my feelings about why I chose not to show up. You are refusing to accept this reason as VALID because you don’t agree with it. I’m not out to make you the bad guy, either. To me, it a simple matter of cause and effect. As a man of science, you should know how that works. Cause: your annoyed tone. Effect: me choosing to remove myself from a situation that I deem unhealthy. And yes, I should have called. We can agree on that. By not showing up after that phone call, I guess I was fighting what I felt to be the constant theme of negativity that seems to happen in otherwise benign situations. You may not agree with my reasoning, but it is what it is. I don’t play games and shift blame or point fingers. I am merely stating my feelings that you seem to be very uncomfortable with. I have tried as an adult to have a good relationship with you, and for the most part it’s been successful. The “dad who?” comment you made in the previous letter needs to be addressed as well. You will recall that over the years, I have made every effort to stay in regular contact with letters, phone calls, and emails. I have flown to California almost every year for the last ten years to see you. You, on the other hand, have been out here to visit me TWICE since you and mom have been divorced. I have lived in Seattle since 1998 and I have yet to get ONE visit from you. I get no letters from you, no calls, no birthday cards, and no holiday cards. I asked you to come to my first college graduation and it wasn’t good enough- you had to wait for a graduation from a 4 year college to make it worth your while. If my son asked me to come to ANY graduation I would be there in a second, no matter how old he is. I am one of the first women in the Ishmael family to get a college degree and I am very proud of that. My own dad wouldn’t come see me walk down those steps. Also, you NEVER call or write to Theo, who is an extremely huge, important part of my life. So please, spare me the “dad who?” stuff. As I said before, you get what you give.
, and at this point, I don’t really care, but the bottom-line is that you owed us a 10 second msg letting us know that those plaObviously, there’s no way to reconcile our two versions of last Dec. Having said that, I totally disagree with your characterization of the events!!! Period!!! I haven’t a clue what led to your change in travel plansns had changed.
Again, you’re beyond what you call “sensitive” to conjure up that kind of a description for the tone of my voice. And by bringing your childhood repeatedly into this conversation, there appears to be a much deeper meaning to those change in plans. Having said that, I have no intention of revisiting your childhood…..it was what it was… You’re soon to be 40 years old and it’s time for you to move on…
I know that you don’t agree, and I guess that’s just going to be that. You have this need to be right, and I have a need to live honestly. Saying that “you don’t really care” why I changed my travel plans reinforces my feelings about how insensitive you are to the feelings of your grown children. I do love you. But I don’t need to be punished anymore, or talked to like I’m a loser. These feelings run deep, and maybe you and I need to sit down and talk about them. Things can be healed; though it will take you letting your guard down to really discuss the issues at hand and not focusing on who is right and wrong. All I can say at this point is: I have been honest in my feelings, I don’t deserve to be talked to like I’m a stupid idiot, and any respect that you feel I am not giving you can be felt on my end just as much. I am banned from your home; thus, that is a huge statement from the both of you that I will have to respect. That said, do not expect us to keep in touch, because that hanging over my head just drives the knife in little bit deeper, and I don’t need that in my life. The ball is in your court, so to speak. If you want to talk alone when I come out for my trip, you can call me and I’ll answer. If not, well, I guess we’ll just go our separate ways at this point.
