So, I didn’t see my brother on this trip to California. He decided to pull a guilt trip on me when I told him ahead of time that although I could make dinner on a certain night, I would be leaving after a couple hours to go see some friends…in particular a friend that I hadn’t seen in almost 16 years. After seeing friends, I was going to go back to my brother’s place, spend the night, and spend the entire next day with him. Well, he didn’t take kindly to me dividing up my time in this manner and proceeded to bitch me out over the phone: ‘Oh, well, THAT’S great, Kris. You’re in town for a week and I get to see you for 2 hours. Just perfect. I can’t believe this! Real good…etc etc.” I didn’t tell him this-because I knew he would freak, but he sounded EXACTLY like my father when he goes on one of his classic tirade/guilt trips. After the bitch out, he said “well, see you at dinner later.” To that, I said no, you won’t and proceeded to end the phone call. I ended up staying the night with those friends and had a lovely evening.
Needless to say, I am extremely sensitive to my family and their attitudes about what I do or don’t do. My brother and I have discussed many times how we hate the guilt trips our parents lay on us; yet, he does it himself. He hasn’t learned what not to do, obviously.I have set bounderies for myself in the past couple years about the shit I’m not willing to take from my family. As I wrote in the letter to my dad recently, my non-biological extended family never talks that way to me or each other and I refuse to listen to it or be around it if my biological family does it. period. For my own mental health, I need to stay away from that toxic behavior. Even if my own brother does it.
Another thing that really gets to me is this: my biological parents and brother are always complaining how they never see me. Well, I gotta say that I have been the one to travel to CA. more times than I can count on both hands. My dad has come to Seattle once in 16 years. My brother has come to Seattle twice in 16 years. The minute I show up in OC, all of a sudden I’m supposed to devote all my time to them? No, I don’t think so. They don’t pay for my plane tickets- I do. They don’t pay for my lodging- I do. They don’t pay for my car rental- I do. I have dear, dear friends that I love to see when I’m down in OC, and I see them on every trip down. These friends mean the absolute world to me, and have been like family more so than my own biological family. It just seems to me that my parents and brother have NO right to monopolize my time when I’m there for a week when they couldn’t give a damn the rest of the year and beyond. And you know what? I really don’t care if they don’t want to see me. Toxic, remember? It just irritates me that my brother and my dad get all bent if I change my plans or call them out on their bullshit. I’m not going to spend the second half of my life dealing with family drama bullshit when I finally have a healthy family here in Seattle that I love and adore. I just won’t do it.
So, not seeing my brother on this trip was an “oh well” moment. I’m not sorry that I made that decision. I’m just sorry that my brother, father,a nd mother continue to act in the manner that they do.
