my brother

So, I didn’t see my brother on this trip to California. He decided to pull a guilt trip on me when I told him ahead of time that although I could make dinner on a certain night, I would be leaving after a couple hours to go see some friends…in particular a friend that I hadn’t seen in almost 16 years. After seeing friends, I was going to go back to my brother’s place, spend the night, and spend the entire next day with him. Well, he didn’t take kindly to me dividing up my time in this manner and proceeded to bitch me out over the phone: ‘Oh, well, THAT’S great, Kris. You’re in town for a week and I get to see you for 2 hours. Just perfect. I can’t believe this! Real good…etc etc.” I didn’t tell him this-because I knew he would freak, but he sounded EXACTLY like my father when he goes on one of his classic tirade/guilt trips. After the bitch out, he said “well, see you at dinner later.” To that, I said no, you won’t and proceeded to end the phone call. I ended up staying the night with those friends and had a lovely evening.

Needless to say, I am extremely sensitive to my family and their attitudes about what I do or don’t do. My brother and I have discussed many times how we hate the guilt trips our parents lay on us; yet, he does it himself. He hasn’t learned what not to do, obviously.I have set bounderies for myself in the past couple years about the shit I’m not willing to take from my family. As I wrote in the letter to my dad recently, my non-biological extended family never talks that way to me or each other and I refuse to listen to it or be around it if my biological family does it. period. For my own mental health, I need to stay away from that toxic behavior. Even if my own brother does it.

Another thing that really gets to me is this: my biological parents and brother are always complaining how they never see me. Well, I gotta say that I have been the one to travel to CA. more times than I can count on both hands. My dad has come to Seattle once in 16 years. My brother has come to Seattle twice in 16 years. The minute I show up in OC, all of a sudden I’m supposed to devote all my time to them? No, I don’t think so. They don’t pay for my plane tickets- I do. They don’t pay for my lodging- I do. They don’t pay for my car rental- I do. I have dear, dear friends that I love to see when I’m down in OC, and I see them on every trip down. These friends mean the absolute world to me, and have been like family more so than my own biological family. It just seems to me that my parents and brother have NO right to monopolize my time when I’m there for a week when they couldn’t give a damn the rest of the year and beyond. And you know what? I really don’t care if they don’t want to see me. Toxic, remember? It just irritates me that my brother and my dad get all bent if I change my plans or call them out on their bullshit. I’m not going to spend the second half of my life dealing with family drama bullshit when I finally have a healthy family here in Seattle that I love and adore. I just won’t do it.

So, not seeing my brother on this trip was an “oh well” moment. I’m not sorry that I made that decision. I’m just sorry that my brother, father,a nd mother continue to act in the manner that they do.

 

i lied.

I sat and thought about my dad’s last letter and had to reply, even though I told myself I wouldn’t. I felt some things needed addressing, because he still didn’t get it.

His letter is in bold print. My responses are in italics.

Quite simply, you have created a situation where none existed. You have morphed a situation that you started one year ago into a “Dr. Phil Session”. By bringing your childhood into the discussion, especially going back to your 5 year old days, you have muddied the waters of last year’s situation to a degree that defies comprehension!!! What your childhood has to do with your lack of common courtesy a year ago is beyond my imagination!!!!

Characterizing my feelings as a “Dr Phil Session” is very insulting to me. That sentence right there is a reminder of how you have treated me and my brother over the years. I brought my childhood into the discussion because it is relevant to how I get along with you now. The way you interacted with me when I was a child , which was interspersed with insults such as “if you had a brain you’d be dangerous” (which my brother and I still chant to each other sarcastically when discussing things like that) , has morphed into a less threatening dialogue now. I forgive you for laying your hands on me back then when I did something wrong; after all, you didn’t know any better, right? I can also forgive you for not being the best role model by insulting me most of the time when I was a kid and making my brother and I feel like the world’s biggest fuck ups most of the time. Believe it or not, I don’t sit here on a daily basis and cry about my childhood. I have moved on, formed healthy relationships with extended family and friends, and have raised my own son without the physical violence and demeaning comments that I had to put up with growing up.
What my childhood has to do with my lack of common courtesy is this: after leaving home many, many years ago, I finally found out what it means to have a normal family. My biological parents like to blame, point fingers, punish, and pile on the guilt trips. What a surprise to learn that other families aren’t like that. My extended family is encouraging, with a no strings attached love that is gentle, forgiving and kind. They raise you up without putting you down. Anyway- after having a taste of this other side of relationships, I decided that if my parents were to revisit that tone with me during my adult life, I wouldn’t stand for it, having put up with enough of that as a kid. Living under your roof, I felt powerless, unloved for the most part, not listened to, and afraid of you. I think I was afraid of you because of the physical violence that you inflicted upon my brother and I at various times. I can still hear my brother’s screams through his bedroom wall. I can still feel what that belt felt like. No child should be hit, period. It really does leave emotional scars that take years to work through. As an adult, I have a low tolerance for you or mom speaking to me that is even slightly reminiscent of those days. Oh, I did forget to mention the things you did do for me whilst raising us: providing food, shelter, clothing, etc. That is appreciated. All the other stuff in between? Not so much.

OK, now let’s discuss the tone of my voice. That msg showed concern and probably annoyance, but “drips with contempt”?? Do you even know what the word means??? Let me remind you: contempt – an attitude to something which one despises as worthless, insignificant, or vile. Not exactly a tone I would describe between a father and his daughter!! And to imply that it was “reminiscent” of your childhood is beyond belief!! In fact, it’s a clear attempt to revise history!!! Nice try, but your memory of that history is clearly distorted and totally inaccurate!! “Drips with contempt”?? BS!!!! You’re beyond what you call “sensitive” to conjure up that kind of a description for the tone of my voice. Once again, it clearly didn’t happen the way you are characterizing my msg. By conjuring up that description, you have attempted to provide yourself with a valid excuse not to show up… Not only that, but now I’m the “bad guy” in this discussion!!! You’ve now changed the focus of the discussion from your lack of common courtesy to my tone of voice!!! Wrong!!! All I was doing was providing you and Matt a “crash pad”!!! You’re now coming off as the “injured party”!!!
Yes, I know what contempt means. As a reminder, I have almost 6 years of college under my belt. By asking me if I “even know what that means” is insulting. Contempt can also mean having open disrespect; disparaging or haughty disdain or scorn. (Source: American Heritage Dictionary). So, yes, I felt that your voice dripped with disdain, which is what set me off. As far as revising history goes, I don’t do that. I don’t make up stories, except if planning to sell them to a publisher as fiction. I think that YOU don’t want to revisit that period of time because you know deep down that you weren’t exactly father of the year. Yes, you have come a long way since then, and I give you credit and kudos for that. Still, over the years, you’ve let slip the little disparaging comments and judgments of yesterday, making sure that I know that you are always right and I am wrong. I am not conjuring up anything. I am merely telling you my feelings about why I chose not to show up. You are refusing to accept this reason as VALID because you don’t agree with it. I’m not out to make you the bad guy, either. To me, it a simple matter of cause and effect. As a man of science, you should know how that works. Cause: your annoyed tone. Effect: me choosing to remove myself from a situation that I deem unhealthy. And yes, I should have called. We can agree on that. By not showing up after that phone call, I guess I was fighting what I felt to be the constant theme of negativity that seems to happen in otherwise benign situations. You may not agree with my reasoning, but it is what it is. I don’t play games and shift blame or point fingers. I am merely stating my feelings that you seem to be very uncomfortable with. I have tried as an adult to have a good relationship with you, and for the most part it’s been successful. The “dad who?” comment you made in the previous letter needs to be addressed as well. You will recall that over the years, I have made every effort to stay in regular contact with letters, phone calls, and emails. I have flown to California almost every year for the last ten years to see you. You, on the other hand, have been out here to visit me TWICE since you and mom have been divorced. I have lived in Seattle since 1998 and I have yet to get ONE visit from you. I get no letters from you, no calls, no birthday cards, and no holiday cards. I asked you to come to my first college graduation and it wasn’t good enough- you had to wait for a graduation from a 4 year college to make it worth your while. If my son asked me to come to ANY graduation I would be there in a second, no matter how old he is. I am one of the first women in the Ishmael family to get a college degree and I am very proud of that. My own dad wouldn’t come see me walk down those steps. Also, you NEVER call or write to Theo, who is an extremely huge, important part of my life. So please, spare me the “dad who?” stuff. As I said before, you get what you give.
, and at this point, I don’t really care, but the bottom-line is that you owed us a 10 second msg letting us know that those plaObviously, there’s no way to reconcile our two versions of last Dec. Having said that, I totally disagree with your characterization of the events!!! Period!!! I haven’t a clue what led to your change in travel plansns had changed.

Again, you’re beyond what you call “sensitive” to conjure up that kind of a description for the tone of my voice. And by bringing your childhood repeatedly into this conversation, there appears to be a much deeper meaning to those change in plans. Having said that, I have no intention of revisiting your childhood…..it was what it was… You’re soon to be 40 years old and it’s time for you to move on…
I know that you don’t agree, and I guess that’s just going to be that. You have this need to be right, and I have a need to live honestly. Saying that “you don’t really care” why I changed my travel plans reinforces my feelings about how insensitive you are to the feelings of your grown children. I do love you. But I don’t need to be punished anymore, or talked to like I’m a loser. These feelings run deep, and maybe you and I need to sit down and talk about them. Things can be healed; though it will take you letting your guard down to really discuss the issues at hand and not focusing on who is right and wrong. All I can say at this point is: I have been honest in my feelings, I don’t deserve to be talked to like I’m a stupid idiot, and any respect that you feel I am not giving you can be felt on my end just as much. I am banned from your home; thus, that is a huge statement from the both of you that I will have to respect. That said, do not expect us to keep in touch, because that hanging over my head just drives the knife in little bit deeper, and I don’t need that in my life. The ball is in your court, so to speak. If you want to talk alone when I come out for my trip, you can call me and I’ll answer. If not, well, I guess we’ll just go our separate ways at this point.

 

last thoughts.

These are my final thoughts about my dad’s reply, and I won’t be revisiting this subject either:

 My dad doesn’t want to revisit the subject of my childhood because I believe he really thinks he is/was the perfect father. Ahhh, sorry, wrong. What was provided to my brother and I was a roof over our head, food on the table, and clothing on our backs (and even that had strings attached. They made sure to drive into us how much we should appreciate those things, because they didn’t have to do those things). I brought up my childhood because it is very relevant as to why I didn’t show up that week. I have been very quiet for 20 something years about the way I get treated by him. He knows how to buy love, but he doesn’t know how to give love. Maybe it is because he was raised by alcoholic parents; I don’t know. As a general rule, I don’t dwell on my shitty childhood on a daily basis or anything. In fact, it hardly creeps into my brain at all, EXCEPT for when I get the hint of shittiness when he talks to me- suddenly I am emotionally transported back to my childhood bedroom, cowering and being extremely frightened of this man. My mom and dad have this motto: it’s in the past, and therefore doesn’t exist and is not relevant to the now. That notion is too black and white for me. I cannot just bury my past and not bring it up, because it was a powerful influence on my life. Thankfully, I moved away at a young age and have been able to change negative behaviors that I learned from them into positive changes. It has not been easy, and has taken about 20 years to undo the destructive behavior I did learn from them. My dad is a smart man but is extremely ignorant about how profound and painful those situations throughout my childhood and teen years were to me. He doesn’t want to face it. Maybe it’s painful for him too, I really don’t know. He doesn’t share those feelings with me.

fact is, I cannot have  a healthy relationship with people that always want to be right. I need a little room for mistakes, because we all make them. I need room for forgiveness, to show my feelings and talk about those feelings. My dad lumps that into me “having a Dr. Phil session”, which is quite offensive to me. It’s all about him, and how he was inconvenienced. No matter if I am hurting. And it has always been this way. When I was about 8 years old, I was crying in my room because I was about to get hit with the belt- I don’t remember what it is that I had done. He came in, got right into my face, and snarled, “you better shut the fuck up right now before I beat you harder, you understand?” I remember being absolutely terrified, and I turned my head away, unable to look him in the eyes. This happened often. This defines the relationship I have with my dad, only now it’s how he talks to me that turns my stomach. I forgive him for hitting me all those years. I all want now is love and support, and I know he is incapable of giving me that.

Now that I am an adult and in control of my life, I feel it is best to cut my losses and move on. I have a large extended family that I love and adore; no matter that they had no part in bringing me into this world. My biological parents were toxic when I was a child and are still toxic to me. I feel that I have done my best to be the daughter they wanted me to be, but in the end it’s just not good enough for them and that is not good for me. I have been willing to put all my feelings out on the table and be vulnerable; I will never get that in return from either of them and I’m tired of that.

I’m done, and I am moving on, slipping away quietly from them instead of slamming the door on my way out.

 

nonsense.

My dad responded to my letter, finally, after almost 5 days. His response was typical: focusing on what I did wrong and not acknowledging my feelings about why I didn’t want to see him last year. He, after all, wants to always be right. A few excerpts from his letter to me:

Quite simply, you have created a situation where none existed.  You have morphed a situation that you started one year ago into a “Dr. Phil Session”.  By bringing your childhood into the discussion, especially going back to your 5 year old days, you have muddied the waters of last year’s situation to a degree that defies comprehension!!!  What your childhood has to do with your lack of common courtesy a year ago is beyond my imagination!!!!

OK, now let’s discuss the tone of my voice.  That msg showed concern and probably annoyance, but “drips with contempt”??  Do you even know what the word means???  Let me remind you:  contempt – an attitude to something which one despises as worthless, insignificant, or vile.   Not exactly a tone I would describe between a  father and his daughter!!  And to imply that it was “reminiscent” of your childhood is beyond belief!!  In fact, it’s a clear attempt to revise history!!!  Nice try, but your memory of that history is clearly distorted and totally inaccurate!!  ”Drips with contempt”??  BS!!!!  You’re beyond what you call “sensitive” to conjure up that kind of a description for the tone of my voice.  Once again, it clearly didn’t happen the way you are characterizing my msg.  By conjuring up that description, you have attempted to provide yourself with a valid excuse not to show up…  Not only that, but now I’m the “bad guy” in this discussion!!!  You’ve now changed the focus of the discussion from your lack of common courtesy to my tone of voice!!!  Wrong!!!  All I was doing was providing you and Matt a “crash pad”!!!  You’re now coming off as the “injured party”!!!

 It wasn’t until Jeff’s 12/14/2007 email that we even knew you were in CA, let alone OC.  At this point Kristi, you had all the information.  We were waiting at home trying to figure out what was going on.  You certainly had the time to leave your brother a msg, so a simple msg left at our home doesn’t seem like an imposition.  It was beyond rude, and even more, disrespectful, not to tell us about your change in travel plans!!  Especially after making plans to stay with us…

  I may have stayed quiet for almost a year regarding that situation, but so did you.  Keep in mind, you had all the information as to what transpired.  Candy and I were only guessing.

 

Obviously, there’s no way to reconcile our two versions of last Dec.  Having said that, I totally disagree with your  characterization of the events!!!  Period!!!  I haven’t a clue what led to your change in travel plans, and at this point, I don’t really care, but the bottom-line is that you owed us a 10 second msg letting us know that those plans had changed.

 

We’re all “busy” in our daily lives, and maybe you’re busier than most, but that doesn’t relieve you of common courtesy.  When I cancelled my travel plans to see Alan last year, I let everyone know, including you, Alan, and Mike Arevalos, that my vacation plans were cancelled.  Common courtesy………

 

Again, you’re beyond what you call “sensitive” to conjure up that kind of a description for the tone of my voice.  And by bringing your childhood repeatedly into this conversation, there appears to be a much deeper meaning to those change in plans.  Having said that, I have no intention of revisiting your childhood…..it was what it was…    You’re soon to be 40 years old and it’s time for you to move on.

 

letter.

After receiving his nasty email, I got up early last Saturday morning and wrote my dad a letter that I was hoping he would respond to. I didn’t write this to get his ire up; I wrote it to merely express my feelings about the current situation and hopefully build some understanding and insight as to why things are the way they are. I emailed this letter last Saturday and haven’t received an answer. I guess I shouldn’t be suprised.

The letter:

 

 

 

November 22, 2008

Dad,

Since you haven’t replied to my last email, here is a short letter.

Here is the situation as I see it: Last year, I emailed you and asked if we could stay there. During that time, I was taking EIGHT classes. As a result of my hectic schedule and other factors, I must have thought that you didn’t get back to me about it and made other plans to stay somewhere else. You have emails that confirm plans from me; however, the fact is either I did not get one of those or I had forgotten that I had a confirmation from you and proceeded to make other arrangements. Nothing I can do about that now. I got the first call from you in the day time while we were still at the airport- it was not at night. You say you had concern in your voice, and I say that the tone was most definitely annoyance with anger, which reminded me of the way you used to talk to me when I was a child. I guess you have no idea how much that tone sets me on edge, and I am telling you now if it was unclear before. You have this way of talking to me at times that is reminiscent of scolding a 5 year old child. At my age, I simply cannot tolerate that, especially since my extended family and friends never speak to me in that manner. When I listened to that message, it affected me deeply and I decided that I could no longer have you speak to me that way. If you want to call me sensitive, so be it. I am sensitive to that; like I said; no one speaks to me like that, not since I was a child in your home. That tone just drips with contempt, whether you agree with me or not. There is a difference in calling and saying “hey, what happened, I’m concerned because you were supposed to be here” and your way of communicating that is just plain angry. I’m not saying that you both didn’t have a right to your feelings- it’s just the way you express them to me.

So, last December I didn’t stay at your house and didn’t contact you. A year has passed, and I didn’t hear anything in that year about how you and Candy felt about the situation. Since we had been in contact a few times during that year and you hadn’t mentioned it, I thought it was water under the bridge and that we were able to move on. Now, even though I have apologized for not showing up and have given you an honest answer as to why I didn’t show up, I am still being “punished” for it by being banned from coming to your home. My apology should be enough, but apparently it isn’t. I accept this. If this one event is the determining factor for me not to be allowed in your home, because “I have worn out my welcome” with Candy, so be it. I do, however, think that it is an act that will not help the situation heal and enable us to move forward in a productive way.

I have told Jeff and Uncle Lance that I will not be attending the Christmas party on December 20^th. I don’t want to be in a space where the tension would be so thick we could cut it with a knife. Not that I’ll be tense, but I know that you and Candy will be, and I don’t want any confrontations about anything. If both of your feelings about me are so negative that I am not allowed in your home, seeing the both of you right now will probably be uncomfortable to say the least.

I guess there isn’t much more to say about the situation, other than it is unfortunate and I wish that both of you could just put it behind you and move on. Again, I am not denying you your feelings. The fact is, it has been a year since it has happened, there is nothing I can do to change what has happened except to apologize (which I have done), and it’s time to move on.

If I don’t hear from you, I will have to assume that you and Candy are steadfast in your feelings and nothing will change. I am hoping for a different outcome.

 

kristi

 

dad.

Last December, I was supposed to go see my dad and my ’step mother’. En route, my dad left a nasty message for me, asking where the hell I was in his annoyed, angry, disappointed tone per usual. At the time, I guess I just got sick of that shit. I decided not to see them and spend time instead with friends and other people who truly love me and whom I love and appreciate.
Year has passed. My dad and I have emailed back and forth in that year and he didn’t mention the incident. I thought that was best too and didn’t bring it up.My entire childhood was filled with dysfunction as a result of his attitude and physical violence, and I just like to keep a low profile as much as humanly possible. That is another reason I live in Seattle and they live in California. Space is needed.
So, I emailed him yesterday and asked if we could hang out during my visit this next month, and maybe I could stay there a couple nights. Basically, I am trying to salvage this dad-daughter relationship in the only way I know how, and it always backfires, because he thinks I am a major fuck up. And his new wife is still pissed about my no show and has banned me from the house. Of course, he stands by his woman, which is fine I guess.
This isn’t new. As a child, my brother and I were referred to as stupid, fuck up losers and beaten on a weekly basis. I left home at 18 and never asked them for a dime to help me. I am the first woman in our family to go to college and get a college degree; my dad, when asked, refused to attend my graduation because it wasn’t good enough.He never sends me birthday cards, or calls me on my birthday because as an adult, I forgot to send him a card one year and has never let me forget it. It’s all about him, and if I make a single mistake, you will NEVER forget it because he never does. He has an impeccable memory for the things I have “done wrong”, but never remembers the accomplishments I have continued to achieve throughout my adult life.Years of therapy haven’t done me any good to try to reconcile dealing with this man and trying to please or reason with him. I find solace in that I am an adult that is no longer held down and beaten to the point where I am hysterical.
It is not worth it.I’m done.

 

argh!

So help me, if I EVER treat my child the way that my dad treats me at my age…
My dad has waged another war against me and doesn’t want to see me next month, and I am no longer allowed to stay at their house.
It’s a looonnngggg story. Suffice it to say that my dad refuses to look at his own attitude and how his grown children respond to it.
I am so SICK of the family dysfunction with my parents . Fuck this. I have better things to do.