see more pwn and owned pictures

see more pwn and owned pictures

 

last thoughts.

These are my final thoughts about my dad’s reply, and I won’t be revisiting this subject either:

 My dad doesn’t want to revisit the subject of my childhood because I believe he really thinks he is/was the perfect father. Ahhh, sorry, wrong. What was provided to my brother and I was a roof over our head, food on the table, and clothing on our backs (and even that had strings attached. They made sure to drive into us how much we should appreciate those things, because they didn’t have to do those things). I brought up my childhood because it is very relevant as to why I didn’t show up that week. I have been very quiet for 20 something years about the way I get treated by him. He knows how to buy love, but he doesn’t know how to give love. Maybe it is because he was raised by alcoholic parents; I don’t know. As a general rule, I don’t dwell on my shitty childhood on a daily basis or anything. In fact, it hardly creeps into my brain at all, EXCEPT for when I get the hint of shittiness when he talks to me- suddenly I am emotionally transported back to my childhood bedroom, cowering and being extremely frightened of this man. My mom and dad have this motto: it’s in the past, and therefore doesn’t exist and is not relevant to the now. That notion is too black and white for me. I cannot just bury my past and not bring it up, because it was a powerful influence on my life. Thankfully, I moved away at a young age and have been able to change negative behaviors that I learned from them into positive changes. It has not been easy, and has taken about 20 years to undo the destructive behavior I did learn from them. My dad is a smart man but is extremely ignorant about how profound and painful those situations throughout my childhood and teen years were to me. He doesn’t want to face it. Maybe it’s painful for him too, I really don’t know. He doesn’t share those feelings with me.

fact is, I cannot have  a healthy relationship with people that always want to be right. I need a little room for mistakes, because we all make them. I need room for forgiveness, to show my feelings and talk about those feelings. My dad lumps that into me “having a Dr. Phil session”, which is quite offensive to me. It’s all about him, and how he was inconvenienced. No matter if I am hurting. And it has always been this way. When I was about 8 years old, I was crying in my room because I was about to get hit with the belt- I don’t remember what it is that I had done. He came in, got right into my face, and snarled, “you better shut the fuck up right now before I beat you harder, you understand?” I remember being absolutely terrified, and I turned my head away, unable to look him in the eyes. This happened often. This defines the relationship I have with my dad, only now it’s how he talks to me that turns my stomach. I forgive him for hitting me all those years. I all want now is love and support, and I know he is incapable of giving me that.

Now that I am an adult and in control of my life, I feel it is best to cut my losses and move on. I have a large extended family that I love and adore; no matter that they had no part in bringing me into this world. My biological parents were toxic when I was a child and are still toxic to me. I feel that I have done my best to be the daughter they wanted me to be, but in the end it’s just not good enough for them and that is not good for me. I have been willing to put all my feelings out on the table and be vulnerable; I will never get that in return from either of them and I’m tired of that.

I’m done, and I am moving on, slipping away quietly from them instead of slamming the door on my way out.

 

nonsense.

My dad responded to my letter, finally, after almost 5 days. His response was typical: focusing on what I did wrong and not acknowledging my feelings about why I didn’t want to see him last year. He, after all, wants to always be right. A few excerpts from his letter to me:

Quite simply, you have created a situation where none existed.  You have morphed a situation that you started one year ago into a “Dr. Phil Session”.  By bringing your childhood into the discussion, especially going back to your 5 year old days, you have muddied the waters of last year’s situation to a degree that defies comprehension!!!  What your childhood has to do with your lack of common courtesy a year ago is beyond my imagination!!!!

OK, now let’s discuss the tone of my voice.  That msg showed concern and probably annoyance, but “drips with contempt”??  Do you even know what the word means???  Let me remind you:  contempt – an attitude to something which one despises as worthless, insignificant, or vile.   Not exactly a tone I would describe between a  father and his daughter!!  And to imply that it was “reminiscent” of your childhood is beyond belief!!  In fact, it’s a clear attempt to revise history!!!  Nice try, but your memory of that history is clearly distorted and totally inaccurate!!  ”Drips with contempt”??  BS!!!!  You’re beyond what you call “sensitive” to conjure up that kind of a description for the tone of my voice.  Once again, it clearly didn’t happen the way you are characterizing my msg.  By conjuring up that description, you have attempted to provide yourself with a valid excuse not to show up…  Not only that, but now I’m the “bad guy” in this discussion!!!  You’ve now changed the focus of the discussion from your lack of common courtesy to my tone of voice!!!  Wrong!!!  All I was doing was providing you and Matt a “crash pad”!!!  You’re now coming off as the “injured party”!!!

 It wasn’t until Jeff’s 12/14/2007 email that we even knew you were in CA, let alone OC.  At this point Kristi, you had all the information.  We were waiting at home trying to figure out what was going on.  You certainly had the time to leave your brother a msg, so a simple msg left at our home doesn’t seem like an imposition.  It was beyond rude, and even more, disrespectful, not to tell us about your change in travel plans!!  Especially after making plans to stay with us…

  I may have stayed quiet for almost a year regarding that situation, but so did you.  Keep in mind, you had all the information as to what transpired.  Candy and I were only guessing.

 

Obviously, there’s no way to reconcile our two versions of last Dec.  Having said that, I totally disagree with your  characterization of the events!!!  Period!!!  I haven’t a clue what led to your change in travel plans, and at this point, I don’t really care, but the bottom-line is that you owed us a 10 second msg letting us know that those plans had changed.

 

We’re all “busy” in our daily lives, and maybe you’re busier than most, but that doesn’t relieve you of common courtesy.  When I cancelled my travel plans to see Alan last year, I let everyone know, including you, Alan, and Mike Arevalos, that my vacation plans were cancelled.  Common courtesy………

 

Again, you’re beyond what you call “sensitive” to conjure up that kind of a description for the tone of my voice.  And by bringing your childhood repeatedly into this conversation, there appears to be a much deeper meaning to those change in plans.  Having said that, I have no intention of revisiting your childhood…..it was what it was…    You’re soon to be 40 years old and it’s time for you to move on.

 

letter.

After receiving his nasty email, I got up early last Saturday morning and wrote my dad a letter that I was hoping he would respond to. I didn’t write this to get his ire up; I wrote it to merely express my feelings about the current situation and hopefully build some understanding and insight as to why things are the way they are. I emailed this letter last Saturday and haven’t received an answer. I guess I shouldn’t be suprised.

The letter:

 

 

 

November 22, 2008

Dad,

Since you haven’t replied to my last email, here is a short letter.

Here is the situation as I see it: Last year, I emailed you and asked if we could stay there. During that time, I was taking EIGHT classes. As a result of my hectic schedule and other factors, I must have thought that you didn’t get back to me about it and made other plans to stay somewhere else. You have emails that confirm plans from me; however, the fact is either I did not get one of those or I had forgotten that I had a confirmation from you and proceeded to make other arrangements. Nothing I can do about that now. I got the first call from you in the day time while we were still at the airport- it was not at night. You say you had concern in your voice, and I say that the tone was most definitely annoyance with anger, which reminded me of the way you used to talk to me when I was a child. I guess you have no idea how much that tone sets me on edge, and I am telling you now if it was unclear before. You have this way of talking to me at times that is reminiscent of scolding a 5 year old child. At my age, I simply cannot tolerate that, especially since my extended family and friends never speak to me in that manner. When I listened to that message, it affected me deeply and I decided that I could no longer have you speak to me that way. If you want to call me sensitive, so be it. I am sensitive to that; like I said; no one speaks to me like that, not since I was a child in your home. That tone just drips with contempt, whether you agree with me or not. There is a difference in calling and saying “hey, what happened, I’m concerned because you were supposed to be here” and your way of communicating that is just plain angry. I’m not saying that you both didn’t have a right to your feelings- it’s just the way you express them to me.

So, last December I didn’t stay at your house and didn’t contact you. A year has passed, and I didn’t hear anything in that year about how you and Candy felt about the situation. Since we had been in contact a few times during that year and you hadn’t mentioned it, I thought it was water under the bridge and that we were able to move on. Now, even though I have apologized for not showing up and have given you an honest answer as to why I didn’t show up, I am still being “punished” for it by being banned from coming to your home. My apology should be enough, but apparently it isn’t. I accept this. If this one event is the determining factor for me not to be allowed in your home, because “I have worn out my welcome” with Candy, so be it. I do, however, think that it is an act that will not help the situation heal and enable us to move forward in a productive way.

I have told Jeff and Uncle Lance that I will not be attending the Christmas party on December 20^th. I don’t want to be in a space where the tension would be so thick we could cut it with a knife. Not that I’ll be tense, but I know that you and Candy will be, and I don’t want any confrontations about anything. If both of your feelings about me are so negative that I am not allowed in your home, seeing the both of you right now will probably be uncomfortable to say the least.

I guess there isn’t much more to say about the situation, other than it is unfortunate and I wish that both of you could just put it behind you and move on. Again, I am not denying you your feelings. The fact is, it has been a year since it has happened, there is nothing I can do to change what has happened except to apologize (which I have done), and it’s time to move on.

If I don’t hear from you, I will have to assume that you and Candy are steadfast in your feelings and nothing will change. I am hoping for a different outcome.

 

kristi

 

dad.

Last December, I was supposed to go see my dad and my ’step mother’. En route, my dad left a nasty message for me, asking where the hell I was in his annoyed, angry, disappointed tone per usual. At the time, I guess I just got sick of that shit. I decided not to see them and spend time instead with friends and other people who truly love me and whom I love and appreciate.
Year has passed. My dad and I have emailed back and forth in that year and he didn’t mention the incident. I thought that was best too and didn’t bring it up.My entire childhood was filled with dysfunction as a result of his attitude and physical violence, and I just like to keep a low profile as much as humanly possible. That is another reason I live in Seattle and they live in California. Space is needed.
So, I emailed him yesterday and asked if we could hang out during my visit this next month, and maybe I could stay there a couple nights. Basically, I am trying to salvage this dad-daughter relationship in the only way I know how, and it always backfires, because he thinks I am a major fuck up. And his new wife is still pissed about my no show and has banned me from the house. Of course, he stands by his woman, which is fine I guess.
This isn’t new. As a child, my brother and I were referred to as stupid, fuck up losers and beaten on a weekly basis. I left home at 18 and never asked them for a dime to help me. I am the first woman in our family to go to college and get a college degree; my dad, when asked, refused to attend my graduation because it wasn’t good enough.He never sends me birthday cards, or calls me on my birthday because as an adult, I forgot to send him a card one year and has never let me forget it. It’s all about him, and if I make a single mistake, you will NEVER forget it because he never does. He has an impeccable memory for the things I have “done wrong”, but never remembers the accomplishments I have continued to achieve throughout my adult life.Years of therapy haven’t done me any good to try to reconcile dealing with this man and trying to please or reason with him. I find solace in that I am an adult that is no longer held down and beaten to the point where I am hysterical.
It is not worth it.I’m done.

 

argh!

So help me, if I EVER treat my child the way that my dad treats me at my age…
My dad has waged another war against me and doesn’t want to see me next month, and I am no longer allowed to stay at their house.
It’s a looonnngggg story. Suffice it to say that my dad refuses to look at his own attitude and how his grown children respond to it.
I am so SICK of the family dysfunction with my parents . Fuck this. I have better things to do.

 

2nd day.

Arrived at 5:45am, and not as tired as the previous day. I woke at 4am, made coffee, and sat on the back steps admiring the bright moon that was still out.
Today, we shadowed the CNAs.
A few complaints:

1.The CNA I was assigned to refused to do pericare on the patient after she toileted. ‘No time.’ he said, although I noticed that he seemed to have time to chat with all the nursing students. Note to CNA: this patient is a huge risk for skin breakdown, and pericare should NEVER be skipped, no matter what.

2.The nursing student who sat next to me while we were feeding patients was voicing her disdain right in front of her patient, saying that she was going to gag and that feeding old people was making her feel like throwing up. Note to nursing student: these people may have dementia,but they aren’t hard of hearing.

Aside from that, it was a good 5 hour clinical. I jumped right in and did vitals and helped the patients with dressing, ambulation, and had a few interesting conversations with patients with severe Alzheimer’s.Again, I love working with older people and the time went by very quickly.

 

first day.

Yesterday was the first day of clinicals.
Got up at 4AM, drove 35 miles, and got there by 5:45AM.
No time for breakfast.
We are assigned one patient each at a retirement home. I am lucky enough to be working in the Alzheimers/Dementia unit. I love working with this group of patients because of the challenges it brings and new communication skills I can learn.
My patient? 96 years old, no short term memory or long term memory, Type 2 diabetes with neuropathy, degenerative kidney disease, osteoporosis, osteoarthritis,foot deformities,dysphagia, and many other problems. She has been there 2 months and is not adjusting well as you can imagine. It will be challenging and interesting, and I’m happy about my assignment. My clinical instructor is so nice and willing to share her vast knowledge about dementia. I feel like I hit the jackpot.
My peers have already started complaining. While the 4 of us were sitting at a table going over the files for our patients, 2 girls started protesting about “the smell.” Wrinkling of noses, talking of gagging. “I DO NOT want to work with OLD PEOPLE. <Sigh>. I want to do pediatrics and OB. If I have to change someone’s diaper, I’m going to gag and it won’t be a pretty sight.” This went on for a good while. Carly, my bff in nursing school, and I exchanged glances and didn’t say much. I must say, I am disappointed in my classmates.Tell me, what is the difference in dealing with baby poop verses helping with an incontinent elderly person? have some fucking respect and grow up!
I have MUCH homework today. Better get started.

 

estate sale.

Any book that has the beginning title “The Joy of…”: I won’t read.
In other interesting news, I went estate sale-ing on Friday and hit the jackpot. A 98 year old woman got moved to a nursing home, leading hordes of collectible seeking folk to her doorstep, including myself.
I walked into the bedroom, which smelled of mothballs and dust.On my right, a closet FULL of vintage clothing ranging from the 1920s-50s. Heaven! I loaded both arms up with 1930s cotton house dresses, 1920s silk day dresses and evening wear, 40s business suits, and 50s short sleeved sweaters. I couldn’t believe my luck. And most items were $5-10 dollars.
I also bought an extremely old ottoman, some old picture frames, books, kitchenware, old linens and tablecloths, and my favorite: a black coin purse that contains war time 1943 pennies not made of copper.
Estate sales are a also an excellent study of human behavior. There are the people that don’t want you in their space because they don’t want you buying things they want to buy; the people that wander right into you without looking; people that are too passive aggressive to ask you to move and stare at you instead.Anyway- interesting people at those things. They all look kind of sad, too, and talk about the woman who’s belongings we are all digging through.I don’t get sad. I look at it as recycling.

 

doctor..

Went to see my doctor today. Let me say the I LOVE my new doctor. She listens, she has a sense of humor, and she’s not pushy.
Got my blood drawn. Got a flu shot…first one in 10 years.
Told her about my recurring migraines that are period/hormonal related. Have one today, actually! Since I cannot take triptans, she gave me something called Epidrin. I took 2 tabs an hour ago, and my headache is almost gone. It feels sort of like an opiate, though and makes me feel woozy.
I had the day off from school today, and boy has it been nice.